Ike for President
by The Exile
Summary: Ike decides to run for President. Roy and Marth try to help him with his election campaign but he doesn't seem to be very good at it.
1. Chapter 1

"What the hell do you want? What's in that sack?"

As if in answer, the sack wriggled and let out a loud wail.

"Ganondorf, are those babies? Why do you have a sack full of babies?" Roy demanded, putting the DS down on the arm of his comfy chair and pulling his sword free from its scabbard, "Why did you bring a sack full of babies INTO OUR LIVING ROOM?"

"Oh, did you want me to leave it around the back? Make up your mind, these things are heavy, you know!" Ganondorf shouldered the sack and turned to walk out again. He almost walked straight into Ike, who pushed open the door in his face. He still wore the suit he had spent all day modelling while Peach made the final adjustments to it and Marth gave him hints on how to maintain a regal pose. He was so bored by the end of it, he felt like a bear in a collar, although he had to admit he looked impressive. A well-fitted power suit looked more imposing than any amount of black spiky plate mail, "Oh, hello, Ike. I've got what you asked me for, now where's my money?"

"Huh?" Ike scratched his head.

"IKE, what's this all about?" demanded Roy, "Did you hire Ganondorf to kidnap babies?"

"Uh... oh yeah... so I can kiss them, like Marth said." said Ike.

"You idiot! That's not what I meant at all!" said Roy, "You were supposed to go out onto the street, find mothers and ask them to pose with you in our electoral videos while you hold the babies and kiss them. Preferably hard-working mothers. With cancer. Or the babies can have cancer. Oh, and the babies have to look happy. What are the voters going to think of you if you they find out you kidnapped all these babies?"

"I don't know where mothers and babies live." said Ike, "I don't think I'd be good at talking to them anyway."

"And you thought GANONDORF would be better?" yelled Roy, "Whatever possessed you to hire Ganondorf to do ANYTHING? He can't even walk down the street without kicking a puppy! Even if there wasn't a puppy there to start with!"

"Are you going to pay me or not? I spent all day gathering those babies!"

"You can just go and put them all back!" yelled Roy.

"I suppose you don't want these either, then?" asked Ganondorf, swirling his cape around to reveal another sack. It went 'meow'.

* * *

The election campaign was starting to shape up. Team Fire Emblem HQ was now full of banners, flyers and placards, so that you couldn't even find space to sit down, which was putting Roy in a terrible mood. He wanted to make a cup of tea but the kettle was stuck behind the placards. He couldn't get to them without collapsing the whole thing on top of himself. His DS stylus had rolled underneath a 'We Like Ike' poster and he couldn't remember which one. Not that he could concentrate on playing his game, as their campaign song was playing non-stop on their radio and completely ruining his train of thought. He also couldn't sit down for five minutes without someone interrupting him and press-ganging him into some errand or other.

"Stop lazing around and help us!" demanded Marth.

"I haven't even eaten my breakfast yet!"

"You can have breakfast on the move! You're to go out and hand these leaflets to everyone you meet!" said Marth, handing him an enormous stack of leaflets, "If you meet Ike, help him with whatever he's doing as well. I think he said he was checking up on the flyers."

"Huh? But these are all our flyers!"

"No, those are leaflets. I mean the flyers. Ike asked Pit and Meta Knight to fly around with the banners. More people can see them from the sky." explained Marth, "They keep flying over the wrong areas by accident, though, so Ike has to follow them around waving his arms and shouting."

"I'll keep an eye out for them." promised Roy.

Almost as soon as he walked out of the door, a blue blur went zooming past, knocking him off his feet.

"SONIC, WAIT UP!" screamed Roy at the top of his voice. A millisecond later, the blue hedgehog appeared behind him.

"Oh, Roy. Wassup?" asked Sonic.

"You're acting during someone else's movement phase!"

"... what?"

"That was way more than seven spaces in one round! Shame on you!" said Roy.

"Oh... um... hedgehogs have a... an exceptionally high... movement rate?" Sonic hoped he was making sense in TRPG language.

"They do? Wow. I need to get myself a unit of hedgehogs. We would totally own the battlefield." said Roy, "Want a leaflet? You should vote Ike. He's the man!"

"I'm sorry, Roy. I can't vote." Sonic looked glum. He stared at his feet, no longer looking quite like a whirlwind about to happen, "Only Nintendo citizens can vote."

"Man, I'm sorry, that's harsh." said Roy, "Ike says if he gets in, he'll give you the vote. Well, he didn't, but I bet you a fiver I can make him say that without resorting to physical force. Hey, I've got a great idea! Want a race?"

Sonic's little blue ears pricked up at the word 'race'.

"Its a flyering competition. We each take half this pile of leaflets, you start at the east side of the district, I start at the west, and the first person to hand out all their leaflets wins." explained Roy.

"You're on!" yelled Sonic, before snatching most of the flyers and darting off before Roy could blink.

"Ha, sucker!" Roy laughed. He had just got out of most of his work! His pile was considerably smaller now. He could probably hand them all out in the town square. There was a new cake shop on the way to the town square, if he could only remember the route...

Suddenly, he heard a loud wailing sound.

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Ganondorf, cut it..." he began. Then he looked up.

Ike was dangling Baby Mario off the roof.

* * *

"Left a bit! A bit more! A bit closer to the ground!" yelled Ike, waving one hand. Hovering in the sky above him, just close enough for his 'We Like Ike' banner to still be visible, was Pit. The banner was still wonky and kept flapping around in the wind. Roy felt dizzy trying to read it.

"IKE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BABY?" screamed Roy at the top of his voice.

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" yelled Ike, leaning further off the roof, baby extended in front of him. It looked like they were both about to fall off. Roy waved him back again, then climbed up onto the roof himself. The ladder was rickety and the wind was picking up, hence Pit losing control of his banner and Ike being unable to hear anything, so Roy almost fell off several times but he made it up eventually.

"I said, what are you doing with that baby?" he gasped.

"Oh, this baby?" Ike took one hand from around the baby so he could point to it, "Mario loaned it to me. He was bored of babysitting it."

"And why are you dangling it from the roof?"

"Well, I thought I would combine our ideas." said Ike, "If kissing babies makes people vote for me, banners make people vote for me and banners are easier for people to see if they're in the sky, then surely..."

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard! What if you drop it?"

"Oh, Baby Mario's very durable!" said Ike, throwing him into the air and catching him as an example.

"That's not the point! Everyone can see you! People won't vote for you if you drop babies off rooftops!"

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that." admitted Ike.

"Give it back!"

"But Mario said not to give it back for another three hours!"

"I don't care what Mario said! He can look after his own baby!"

"Ha! Beat you!"

Roy jumped, whipped out his blade and levelled it at the throat of the man behind him, except that Sonic had already moved around the other side so he was still behind Roy.

"Did I win anything?" he asked.

"Yeah, these nice leaflets!" said Roy, pushing his remaining leaflets into the hedgehog's hands.

"And this baby!" said Ike, throwing Baby Mario at Sonic.

The hedgehog examined his winnings. "These prizes suck. It wasn't worth my time. See ya." he announced, before zooming off again. Roy just stared at Ike, open-mouthed.

"Problem solved." announced Ike, spreading his arms out to demonstrate his lack of babies.

"What... the... HELL do you mean? You just gave Baby Mario to Sonic!" said Roy, "A past version of Nintendo's national hero! To Sega's champion! Who has perfect motivation to assassinate him or hold him hostage and use him as a bargaining tool!"

"Oh dear, will that not look good in front of the voters?"

"IKE, YOU'VE JUST CAUSED A NATIONAL EMERGENCY!" screamed Roy.

"Okay, okay, I'll go get the baby back." Ike sighed.

"How, exactly? Sonic can move faster than the speed of light! He can move fast enough to cause rifts in the space-time continuum, damn it! He could be on the other side of the planet by the time I finish saying this sentence!"

"Well, stop talking, then!" complained Ike. He unstrapped his broadsword from his shoulder and jumped off the roof. Roy saw him stop Lucas and yell 'Vote for Me!' at him, still waving the broadsword. Lucas ran away, crying.

This was only the first day of the campaign. Roy did not see the election going well for them.


	2. Chapter 2

"Let's face it, I'm just not cut out to be President."

Ike leaned on the rail and stared down at the grotto of green mushrooms. Most of the crop had grown to full size and were ready to be picked. Under the soft artificial light, they glowed like emerald souls. Their shadows were huge, like his soul wasn't. He wasn't the type to angst about his brief mortality but couldn't help it when these damn vegetables were mocking him for only living once. He didn't like being here at all but it reminded him why he was bothering with this campaign in the first place.

"Roy won't talk to me, I let my friend Mario down and Peach is gonna kill me. My predicted election turnout is awful." said Ike, "And now I've got to somehow magically be faster than Sonic or the whole nation's doomed. Or something. I don't want to do this any more. I hate politics anyway."

Before he was invited to participate in the Tournament, when he was just a mercenary Captain and nobody outside Telius had heard of him, he was constantly having to escape from people trying to give him titles as a reward for services to the Crown. Around the same time that he was known so well that he had become a legendary hero in his own lifetime, when it had got to the point that he could never again return to the days when he was just a mercenary and could just fight and get paid for it, he was selected for the Tournament. He had a new battlefield to conquer – that of the cross-dimensional Arena. He was a newcomer again and there were plenty of people to fight who were actually a match for him, or in many cases, kicked his butt up and down the playing field repeatedly.

After rising to instant popularity, he was now running for President.

Once he was President, he would own all the green mushrooms. He would distribute them all over Telius, as well as Elibe and Akaneia, enough so that every man, woman, child and pegasus could have enough to last them lifetime. Never again would the people of Fire Emblem be known in dread whispers as the ones who only lived once. He, who had once defeated a Goddess with the help of a small army, would conquer death with a brand new suit and a clever slogan.

Except that it was all going so very wrong.

* * *

The grotto was about to close for the night. While open to visitors – it was a massive tourist attraction – the delicate mushrooms in the grotto didn't like being disturbed for too long. Night had fallen when Ike left the cave. He had been deep in thought and hadn't noticed that much time passing. He started walking back to Team Fire Emblem HQ. He was in no rush to get home - Marth would only yell at him again – so he took a detour through the nearby park. He was surprised to find Bowser there, sitting at a market stall piled high with babies.

"Psst, wanna buy a baby?" asked Bowser.

"Are those the babies Ganondorf took? Roy told him to give them all back! He'll be angry with me if you don't do what he says!" Ike folded his arms, "Why have you got them? They don't look like your babies!"

"Oh, he couldn't remember where he'd got them all from, so he decided to let the owners come and buy them back at a reasonable price. He put me in charge of the stall." explained Bowser, "Come to think of it, he said not to sell any to you. Sorry about that."

"I don't want one anyway." said Ike, sighing, "I've had it up to here with babies. They're more trouble than they're worth."

"How's your campaign going?" asked Bowser.

"Terrible." admitted Ike.

"I'd vote for you, but Donkey Kong's running this year and I'd rather he get in than a human." said Bowser, "Human Presidents always mean the non-humans get the short end of the stick."

"Hey, do you know how often I fought beside Laguz back home?" Ike complained.

"Apart from not knowing what a Laguz is, I don't know any of your history at all." said Bowser. His nose curled up and his face turned an odd shade of yellow – at least one of the babies definitely needed changing, "All I've heard from the campaign is stupid gimmicks and cheesy patriotic songs. I don't know any of your views on anything either."

"Roy said I have to give Sonic the vote."

"'Roy said'? Can't you even make decisions on your own?" commented Bowser, expertly changing the baby's diaper.

"Hey, I'm not just doing what they tell me to?"

"Then tell me what you want to do!" said Bowser, "What's your policy on immigration?"

In answer, Ike jumped onto the table, narrowly avoiding stepping on a baby, and brandished his broadsword aloft, "Immigration is just one of the demons I vow to slay!"

"Um... you might want to work on that answer." said Bowser, "Okay then, how do you propose to make the trains run on time?"

"Oh, that's easy! The trains run so late these days that if you make them five minutes later, we can pretend the next train that's due has turned up early."

"That... makes a certain amount of sense." said Bowser, "Ike, do you have any idea what you're doing? Why do you even want to be President?"

"I have my reasons." Ike sniffed, folding his arms.

"If your public image is suffering, the best thing you can do is to be totally honest. I'm no good at talking to people either but even I can say what I really mean!"

"I guess that might work." said Ike, "After all, there's nothing actually wrong with what I'm doing. Its just something I don't like talking about, is all."

"If you can't talk about it, how are you going to do anything about it?"

"I hadn't thought about it like that."

"Go out and grab that audience like its a Princess and you're abducting her!"

"Er... yes. Thanks, Bowser."

When Ike returned, Roy had taken the curtains down and was trying to spray-paint the curtain rings gold.

"I'm going to bait Sonic with these fake rings." he explained.

"Oh, its okay, we can win this election without Baby Mario." Ike promised him.

"Um... Ike, shouldn't you be at least slightly concerned about this national emergency as a Presidential candidate?" said Roy, but Ike had already gone upstairs to bed.

* * *

Because the next day of the election campaign was slightly more important and because Master Hand barely needed any excuse to put on a spectacle, the candidates were being televised as they made their speeches. R.O.B scuttled around with broadcasting equipment, trying to maintain everything at once as usual. Ike was amazed that the robot didn't short-circuit from overwork. A sizeable crowd had amassed in the town square of Smashville. Mr. Game and Watch decided to exploit this by setting up a barbecue stand and selling the sausages he could infinitely generate at will. They were a little burnt and two-dimensional but they tasted okay if you bought enough of them and crammed them all together until you got something approaching a solid object – by which time, of course, the bill was enormous. Bowser tried to sell the rest of the babies but he was thrown out by the security guards.

"And if I'm elected, I promise equal rights for monkeys of all species, lower taxes, an end to the banana deficit and smoother interdimensional diplomatic relations!" said Donkey Kong. Diddy Kong, who was co-running for Vice President, jumped up and down and waved his hat in the air, chirruping. The crowd cheered.

"My, the monkey's popular." said Roy.

"Everyone likes monkeys." Marth shrugged, "Ike, look lively, you're up next."

Ike walked up the steps to the stage, jumped onto the podium and pointed his broadsword at the crowd. Several people cheered and there was a steady chant of 'We Like Ike'.

"Good citizens of Nintendo. It has been brought to my attention that I've told you very little about myself, apart from that my name rhymes with lots of words. Its time to correct this." he began, "Let me tell you about a little world I like to call home – Tellius. For the people of Tellius, this campaign really is a matter of life and death!"

"I think they're buying it." Roy whispered.

After Ike had finished his speech, it was Captain Falcon's turn. While he didn't come across as the most intelligent candidate, he certainly knew how to lead on a crowd. Roy had explained to Ike that Captain Falcon's apparent ignorance was mostly an act. People associated simple-mindedness with honesty and they felt they could relate easily to the Captain, who they saw as being on their level. Ike could certainly understand that you didn't stay alive very long if you were stupid and routinely repaired your own spaceship. Ike tried to pay attention to everything Captain Falcon said but he was interrupted by Sonic running towards him, screaming.

"Oh, hi, what's up?" Ike waved at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Roy trying to pull the fake rings out of his cloak pocket. Sonic ran up to the mercenary.

"Run! Save yourself! She's after both of us!"

"Who is?" asked Ike,"Where's the baby?"

"I've got it!" said a high-pitched female voice. Sonic hid behind Ike as Peach walked up to them, baby under one arm, parasol in the other hand, "Have you seen Sonic? I just wanted to thank him for looking after the baby for me. I heard that Mario was foisting him off on other people again - don't worry, he's been punished – and I looked around all day but I couldn't find Baby Mario anywhere. Then I saw Sonic run past with the baby. He said he won him off Roy in a race! Roy, have you been giving away babies as prizes?"

"It was Ike's fault!" said Roy.

"What? That's not fair! Marth told me to!"

"Bowser started it." said Marth, without looking around.

"He did, did he? Well, it looks like I'll have to have another word with him!" said Peach, an indignant look on her face. She turned on her heel and marched off, petticoats twirling.

"I'm glad that got sorted." said Roy, breathing a sigh of relief.

"I'm not going to die?" asked Sonic, peeking out from behind Ike.

"I think we're safe for now, although its hard to tell with Peach." said Marth.

R.O.B called Ike back on stage to answer some audience questions. He found them easier to answer now that he was following Bowser's formula. Today was already going better than yesterday.


	3. Chapter 3

On the final night of the election, the results were broadcast live from the Stadium. The 'Final Destination' background was used. All the items used in the brawls were cleared away, there were three podiums for the candidates and the ballot counts were displayed on the big screen. The Brawl main theme, which was Smashville's national anthem, blared over the speakers. The candidates were asked even more questions, Master Hand gave his own speeches and his impressions of the candidates' performance.

As the day went on, everyone waited with baited breath for the final result. For the first time all year, the entire stadium was silent. Even Mr. Game and Watch had turned off his internal clock thing and was remaining absolutely still so he wouldn't bleep.

"Okay, it looks like its a dead heat!" announced Master Hand,"The candidates all have exactly the same number of votes for them! You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen!"

An uproar went out from the crowd.

"Er... what DOES it mean, Roy?" asked Ike. Roy didn't answer. He facepalmed, then his hand went to his sword hilt.

"That's right, Smashville! The candidates are just going to have to FIGHT it out!"

"Fight?" asked Ike.

"On the count of five, the 2012 Apocalypse Presidential Election Deciding Brawl will begin!"

"Oh, a deciding brawl. Great, and I just ironed this shirt!"

"Three... two... one..."

"Go for it, Ike!" yelled Roy, shoving him off the podium.

"FIGHT!"

Ike already had his broadsword out just as Donkey Kong lunged at him, trying to rip his head off with those powerful simian arms. He screamed a battle cry and charged at the gorilla, swinging his sword to drive Donkey Kong back. His legs gave out from under him as he slipped on a banana skin that Diddy Kong had thrown down. Donkey Kong jumped on him, bringing his fists down like a sledgehammer...

But was flung away by something hurtling towards them, trailing fire.

"FALCON PUUUUNCH!"

With a hand from Roy, Ike stood up.

"You have to watch for the little bastard, he's more dangerous than he looks." Roy told him. Then he drew his own sword and whirled around, slashing at Diddy Kong, who was trying to tie the man's shoelaces together. The chimp ran away, screeching. He decided that attacking the two swordsmen on his own was too dangerous so he settled for throwing peanuts at Captain Falcon, who had been wrestled to the ground by Donkey Kong and was having difficulties breaking free.

"Does this really happen every year?" asked Ike.

Roy nodded.

"How can you have exactly equal votes for all the candidates every year?"

"I'll give you a clue: Crazy Hand counts the ballots."

"Oh dear."

"One year we had a logical paradox instead of a dead heat. Nobody voted and Crazy Hand insisted on trying to divide by zero." contributed Master Hand, "It took me a week to clear up the mess."

"So I went through all that bullshit for nothing?" asked Ike.

"Its not nothing! Its ceremony! Ceremony is everything!" said Master Hand, "The crowd love the spectacle every year! What else does this arena exist for?"

"I still think you should just have the brawl." said Ike, "I would have done more training if I'd known. I love brawls!"

"Oh yeah? Well you'll love this, pansy boy!" yelled Captain Falcon. Ike whirled around just in time to see Donkey Kong being hurled at him. He was almost knocked straight off the stage.

"You really ought to stop talking during battles." noted Master Hand.

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?" Ike spluttered, coughing up blood. He felt at least one broken rib and his vital organs didn't feel quite as functional as they should be. Roy searched in his pocket for a Vulnerary.

"We Hands must remain impartial at all costs." said Master Hand, "Unless you'd like me to join in. If I join in, I attack you all. I could go invite Crazy Hand as well, he's always wondered what its like to be President. He says we should cut out the middle man."

"NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!" he screamed. The thought of Crazy Hand in charge was enough to drive him into a battle frenzy. Ignoring his grievous wounds, he ran at Captain Falcon. Donkey Kong stood up and clutched his head in his arms, groaning in a low feral voice, obviously just as injured as Ike. Roy casually stabbed him through the chest.

"I hate to tell him, but I think Diddy Kong's gonna win." said Bowser, who had sold off all the babies but one, which he had accidentally bonded with and couldn't bear to let go. It was so ugly that it looked sort of like Bowser anyway, "They're all on their last legs but nobody's scoring a hit on him."

"Ike fights best when he's about to lose." said Marth, "He thinks he's still in Tellius and that he won't get a second chance."

"Still, he's not fast enough to hit that monkey."

"The monkey will tire eventually."

"If I was fighting, I would have organised everyone to gang up on the monkey first." said Bowser.

Suddenly, Crazy Hand burst into the arena, rolling over and over, his fingers in a flap.

"Master! I think I've done it again!"

"Done what, exactly?"

"Did he miscount the votes?" whispered Bowser.

"I don't think so." said Marth, "He's never done that before."

"Um... I don't think it should be possible for this number to have a square root." Crazy Hand snapped his fingers and a clipboard appeared. Master Hand snatched it off him and inspected it closely.

"Oh... oh dear... oh God... we'd better evacuate..."

"It might be a bit late for that. I only just noticed."

"HOW LONG AGO, Crazy?"

"Um... which direction does time go in again?"

Suddenly, there was a galaxy-rending, reality-shattering explosion which deleted from existence the dimension they were in and 255 of the backup dimensions that Master Hand had prepared in case of emergency. Well, it WAS 2012!


End file.
